Musician Jokes - In Score Order
How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?
Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that you're hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
Why are a pianists' fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violinists use for birth control?
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end -
It would be a good idea.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor. He's told that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same message each time. The receptionist asks, "Why do you keep calling?"
"I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they both suck.
How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... one, two, three...
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."